Sunday, 30 March 2014

I love my penis, but one day I thought of castration because I was gay!

Growing up and being gay can be a hard experience for anyone, especially if they don't have a supportive environment, or society around them. I grew up in Venezuela, where being gay was - and still is - very difficult, and even more so if one is effeminate, skinny, or carries a bag like the ones I have in Dublin ; )

When I was 18-years-old, I came to realize how strong my sexual preferences were becoming, but I was also getting confused and riddled with guilt over my sexuality. I knew I was sexually attracted to men, but I tried to conceal this to the best of my ability because of my guilt. In my late teens I had some furtive sexual encounters with a few young men, around the same age as me at that time, but these encounters caused mixed feelings in me, there were times which were quite pleasurable, and sometimes painful.

We all know - gays, bisexual men and women - how delicious it is to have a naked man around you, just for you, but I was deeply ashamed, and fearful, that these secret liaisons would become public knowledge. I was most fearful of my family discovering my sexual inclinations and it was in those most darkest of times when I missed my mother the most, because I knew she would have understood, and supported me, the way she always did. She was not around any longer and this, of course, helped to increase my fears.

During difficult times, I wanted to find a solution to my 'problem' and I found myself thinking of castration. At that time, it seemed logical to me that castration would be an easy way out of my sexual torments. I had read about how animal behavior could be altered by castration and strongly thought this practice could be applied to human beings and would therefore help me. These are some of the crazy things that goes through your head when fear invades you because you're insecure about being gay because you feel ostracized, neglected, rejected, and totally isolated emotional and psychologically. Life becomes a struggle and you feel you are on your own.

Castration seemed like a sensible thing to undergo, so that my attraction to men would disappear. Thank God I did not act on this plan! I realize now that it would have been an appalling act of self-mutilation and I would not feel so proud of the best friend I have between my legs. Yes, I must say it, I love my penis, the same way I love the rest of my body, but the castration thought was what seriously prompted me to seek professional help and it was then, when I had my first contact with psychology and psychiatry, that therapy came to my rescue. But this is a total new story for a future writing.

I am sure that some of you can relate to feeling lonely, and lost, because whatever the reason may be, you feel excluded. In my case it was being a 'faggot', 'sissy' as I was called so many times by some of my peers. Even my name for them instead of being 'Marlon' was 'Marlen' which I found painfully hard to be called. I feel supremely sad and heartbroken when I hear stories of adolescents - or adults - attempting self-harm or even committing suicide as a result of being bullied whatever the reason may be. Suicide rates are on the increase, which is very alarming. I  never thought of ending my life, as such, and I must say I am very lucky in that way, otherwise I would not be here writing these experiences. I have to say, that in some way, I feel I am a survivor.

I would always encourage anyone who is suffering and feels everything is lost, to seek help, speak up and try to find a helping hand. Find a family member, a friend or whoever you might think could be of help, and get a warm shoulder to cry on. There are a lot of people out there with golden hearts and can give you that emotional support that could make a change to your life forever. We should all try to be dignified and have a pleasant disposition to help others in whatever way we can, and more so when the person feels life has nothing to offer them.

 Always remember the future is not so bleak, the future is bright. The future is just there, around the corner, waiting for you, to help you, to embrace you and to give you all the great things the past and the present don't have for you. So if you had - or are currently having a tough time, don't despair because it won't last forever and always remember the future, that big, bright, great tomorrow is waiting for you, just for you! Tomorrow will bring what yesterday and today don't really know.


Monday, 24 March 2014

Reflecting on my intellectual childhood.

I remember when I was a little boy, I had an enormous curiosity for anything relating to words, phrases, writing, books etc. I remember that what I now called 'Editorial World' was for me a dimension that awakened my most recondite restlessness as an exploratory literary child. I find this very strange considering the fact that there was no one in my family that you could call erudite, and certainly no one who would write for a living, passion, or as a hobby.

Having said that, I do still remember seeing my mum reading and sometimes writing, and I must say that her will power was extraordinary since she learnt how to write and read in her 30s. So now I have come to realize that I inherited my passion for reading and writing from my mother. She died without knowing the legacy she left me in that regard.

My childhood games did not have anything to do with toys, football, baseball or any other games that are usually practiced by boys. My favorite game was the one where I would pretend I was a teacher, or lecturer. It was a fascinating scenario for me, pretending that I was the one who was able to teach others. It was like an orgasmic experience to be able to teach a group of people that, of course, it only existed in the depths of my own imagination. Sometimes I would even forget to eat because I was too busy playing at being 'the teacher'.

My mother was very supportive, and my first blackboard was made by her. It was a square piece of thick board which she had painted with a black oiled-based paint. Oh my god, I still vividly remember it. I would spend hours and hours writing on my nice blackboard, teaching subjects to all those pupils that only existed in my head. I was so proud of that blackboard because everything I wrote on it, with my white chalk, looked absolutely me!

I have to say, all these experiences were very valuable because they were the beginning of my passion for reading and writing. It also helped to develop my imagination and inspiration to be able to put things down in writing whatever came to my mind, in a simple, but innocent way. What a beautiful childhood I had!

It is lovely now to make this account of my intellectual childhood, because it is giving me the opportunity to reiterate that I do know who I am deep down inside of me. I feel that I am basically a writer. Passion that I have put aside for a number of years, but I am happy to realize that I now know that I will spen the rest of my life...writing, as I did when I was a little boy.

I think, and feel, that writing is in itself - or at least for me - is a therapeutic experience. It's a moment when all our senses are activated and become themselves the vessel for every word and every phrase to fly, to flow, to be alive. It seems that words have a life of their own, words that can be transcendental depending on the passion you put into them

Writing - and again at least for me - is like penetrating into a large and never ending tunnel, but a clear, bright tunnel, full of magic and beautiful imaginary places to get to. A magical moment where the most important things are the imagination - me - the piece of paper, or laptop, and every single written word for people to read at any given moment. Wow...this is a fascinating explanation!

I have so many times entered that tunnel, but I must confess, sometimes I regret not having enough time that writing requires, and I have to say, that now I am growing older, that need for writing is becoming like a physical, emotional, and intellectual need, and these reasons explains why Marlife was created.

I would love to enter that tunnel and spend hours, days, and months, writing about life, love, feelings and emotions. Writing messages that in any way could make a contribution to other peoples' lives, but more importantly, to my own life. Messages that will allow me to become a better person, a better human being. Messages that could spread love and the transformations that come along with that. This is my mission, my task, and it is something I will try to continue doing until the last day of my life. I would love people to realize, through my writing, that one day I existed and that I left a significant mark in this world. Thank you for reading and supporting Marlife!

With Love


Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Welcome to Marlife!!!

With unbelievable excitement, I would like to say to you all, welcome to my new blog...Marlife!

My life has always been full of color, excitement and wonderful adventures. It has been defined by austerity, sacrifice and pain. It has also been full of dreams, emotions, sentiments, great feelings and the most powerful staggering circumstances that have led me to be the person I am today.

Everybody has their own story to tell, their journey in life with personal meaning - a powerful meaning if you really pay attention to what they have brought to life - small or big - they have brought something beautiful and meaningful to life.

Some of you may ask me, or yourselves... What is it? And I can honestly say 'I don't know', but what I do know is that you, me and every single person on this earth is a winner, a real winner. Picture this amazing moment in your head, the very moment you were conceived in your mother's womb you were already a real winner, because you fought against hundreds, thousands and thousands of members of your dad's semen and you, and only you, made it in the end and you were created.

That simple - yet fabulous achievement - made you a real winner. That was the very first battle you have ever won. Thumbs up for every single one of us!

I have always embraced that biological moment with power and that's why I feel I am a winner and have always felt I have a story to tell. It may sound narcissistic, or self-loving, but I can't help it, that's the way I feel, because you know what? I bloody love myself and no one, nothing, has ever taken that wonderful feeling away from me. That's why this blog is a celebration to myself, but also a celebration to all of you for taking the time to read my story and all the things I have to tell.

As I said, I love myself, but also I love people. I like the mystery of who we are, why we are the way we are and why - even though we come from different backgrounds - what is it about you that makes me so special when I am with you, or pay attention to you, what is it about you that makes a contribution to me to make me unique? It is a magical moment that sometimes there is no explanation, it just simple is what it is, and that's remarkable!

On my blog you will have a little bit of everything. Expect cheesiness, tears - oh my god I'm a softy, jokes, real life experiences. Expect love, feelings and emotions. Expect sensual and sexual implications. Expect naughtiness, but most of all, never ever expect bullshit because that's not me and never will be! We will have fun, loads of fun, some tears along the way, but we will always have a laugh.

To finish this introduction, I'd like to say again welcome to my blog - Marlife! Let's enjoy this journey together and the power to embrace one another in my words, the words of life and love...