Sunday, 30 March 2014

I love my penis, but one day I thought of castration because I was gay!

Growing up and being gay can be a hard experience for anyone, especially if they don't have a supportive environment, or society around them. I grew up in Venezuela, where being gay was - and still is - very difficult, and even more so if one is effeminate, skinny, or carries a bag like the ones I have in Dublin ; )

When I was 18-years-old, I came to realize how strong my sexual preferences were becoming, but I was also getting confused and riddled with guilt over my sexuality. I knew I was sexually attracted to men, but I tried to conceal this to the best of my ability because of my guilt. In my late teens I had some furtive sexual encounters with a few young men, around the same age as me at that time, but these encounters caused mixed feelings in me, there were times which were quite pleasurable, and sometimes painful.

We all know - gays, bisexual men and women - how delicious it is to have a naked man around you, just for you, but I was deeply ashamed, and fearful, that these secret liaisons would become public knowledge. I was most fearful of my family discovering my sexual inclinations and it was in those most darkest of times when I missed my mother the most, because I knew she would have understood, and supported me, the way she always did. She was not around any longer and this, of course, helped to increase my fears.

During difficult times, I wanted to find a solution to my 'problem' and I found myself thinking of castration. At that time, it seemed logical to me that castration would be an easy way out of my sexual torments. I had read about how animal behavior could be altered by castration and strongly thought this practice could be applied to human beings and would therefore help me. These are some of the crazy things that goes through your head when fear invades you because you're insecure about being gay because you feel ostracized, neglected, rejected, and totally isolated emotional and psychologically. Life becomes a struggle and you feel you are on your own.

Castration seemed like a sensible thing to undergo, so that my attraction to men would disappear. Thank God I did not act on this plan! I realize now that it would have been an appalling act of self-mutilation and I would not feel so proud of the best friend I have between my legs. Yes, I must say it, I love my penis, the same way I love the rest of my body, but the castration thought was what seriously prompted me to seek professional help and it was then, when I had my first contact with psychology and psychiatry, that therapy came to my rescue. But this is a total new story for a future writing.

I am sure that some of you can relate to feeling lonely, and lost, because whatever the reason may be, you feel excluded. In my case it was being a 'faggot', 'sissy' as I was called so many times by some of my peers. Even my name for them instead of being 'Marlon' was 'Marlen' which I found painfully hard to be called. I feel supremely sad and heartbroken when I hear stories of adolescents - or adults - attempting self-harm or even committing suicide as a result of being bullied whatever the reason may be. Suicide rates are on the increase, which is very alarming. I  never thought of ending my life, as such, and I must say I am very lucky in that way, otherwise I would not be here writing these experiences. I have to say, that in some way, I feel I am a survivor.

I would always encourage anyone who is suffering and feels everything is lost, to seek help, speak up and try to find a helping hand. Find a family member, a friend or whoever you might think could be of help, and get a warm shoulder to cry on. There are a lot of people out there with golden hearts and can give you that emotional support that could make a change to your life forever. We should all try to be dignified and have a pleasant disposition to help others in whatever way we can, and more so when the person feels life has nothing to offer them.

 Always remember the future is not so bleak, the future is bright. The future is just there, around the corner, waiting for you, to help you, to embrace you and to give you all the great things the past and the present don't have for you. So if you had - or are currently having a tough time, don't despair because it won't last forever and always remember the future, that big, bright, great tomorrow is waiting for you, just for you! Tomorrow will bring what yesterday and today don't really know.



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