When you get to talk about Marriage/Relationship

Photo by Una William

I was asked to participate in a project to talk about marriages/relationships. For a few seconds I thought about saying "No" because I don't consider myself an expert in the topic, but then I instantly said to myself "Hang on a second, you have been with the same person for 15 years and married to him for a while, so you might have one or two things to say about marriage/relationship". So I said "Yes". The project will be out quite soon.

As I don't know how the project is going to turn out based on what I genuienly said, I won't say what I exactly said, but I am going to share a few bullet points I took from my own reflection after the interview.

I do believe that in order to be able to love somebody, we must be able to love ourselves. What does this mean? It means to be self-aware of who we are. To accept ourselves as a whole and that includes not "liking" our imperfections.

When we truly love ourselves, we are not jealous of others, we don't envy others because we are so busy with ourselves that there is not time to look outwards, but inwards.

As a result...

We are going to able to love and accept our other half - even with their "imperfections". However, that acceptance should not be in detriment of who we are and how we feel. In other words, if somebody truly loves us, they will elevate us in a healthy way. When I say "healthy" I mean that they will never try to bring you down. EVER.

And this is why...

Chosing our partner speaks volumes of who we are. It says more about us (choice) than the partner themselves. This is why we should be careful when we complain to other people about our choice, that complain is a very poor projection of whowe are when it comes to our choices in life. Instead of complaining, why don't ask ourselves how can we together (as a couple) work this through? It is not easy, it is very challenging indeed but only you know your own relationship.

Which brings me to...

Stop compering your relationship to somebody elses'. We must make our relationship unique, special and relevant. Whatever works for you, works for you. It does not necesarly mean is going to work for somebody else. We should be busy investing in our own relationship rather than paying attention to others'. What is yours is yours so we should make it work if is worth it to do so.

Do not listen....

If as a couple you have an issue and REALLY need advice, do not go to someone who is single, or someone who is divorced or someone who can not sustain a relation or someone who is or has all of the above. If you need advice or need to talk to someone, try to chose wisely who to talk to, maybe talk to a professional, otherwise you are going to feel or end up worse. How can we get advise from someone who has not succeded in something we might be trying to succed to make it work?

Some key elements...

Communication is a massive element: We should be able to tell someone "I don't like that behaviour" or "I don't like what you said", in this way we are pointing out the "behaviour" or what it was "said" not the person because we still love them. Mind you, this one is VERY hard and it is still taking me forever to fully grasp it myself, because it is fucking hard.


Sex...

When it comes to sex, again, this is something that only you to should try to form and agree on. Sex is a very large spectrum that includes whatever you two have decided what it is. We, as a couple, should find whatever works for us, just us. When you have such a healthy view, you will understand that sex (whatever that is) is only one aspect of your relationship, not the relationship in itself. If you find whatever works for you, enjoy it for what it is.

Now it comes the romance...

Love is not perfect, but it is a powerful thing. Love is key to a successful realtionship. We should think of how much we love ourselves, in that way we should know how  able we are to love the person we have choshen as our other half.

If we love ourselves, we will understand love is good. Love keeps us alive. Love is the real reason why we are able to love others.

Cheers to love forever...

Marlon/Marlife